Santa Shogun
by Shaymin
Summary: The Devil Knights celebrate Christmas. And Akuma Shogun accidentally kills Santa Claus.


**Santa Shogun  
JennyRogue**

**Author's Notes:** I had to write a Kinnikuman Christmas fic this year, and ultimately decided it would be about my new obsession... the Devil Knights!  
**Warnings:** OOCness, very slight shounen-ai and lots of swearing from Akuma. All in the name of humour of course. XD

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Akuma Shogun was a God. He was above all of this childishness. He was not going to participate in it. They could all just go jump off a cliff and die painfully for all he cared. "Bah... humbug." he snarled, glaring at his knights from his throne.

"Aww..." Buffaloman snickered, "Is our beloved leader not in the Christmas spirit?"

Akuma just flipped him off.

Snegator, Junior and Atlantis were decorating the Christmas tree. Springman had wanted to help but it was a little difficult. Mainly because everything metallic stuck to him like glue. Sunshine and Ashuraman were sniggering quietly in the corner. Ned was more then a little tipsy. Empty eggnog cartons littered at his feet. Akuma tapped the arm of his throne, "I fucking hate you all."

The Mountain and Mister Kamen were decorating the room with tinsel and lights and other stuff. Junior was doing that obnoxious squeal he did when he was excited. That always pissed off Akuma. His annoyed tapping became faster. SteCase was playing Christmas songs while Planetsman and and Black Hole sang to them. Akuma closed his eyes and counted to ten. Why oh why had he agreed to this?

**FLASHBACK**

"MASTER AKUMA SHOGUN!"

"Ugh... stop screaming!" Akuma pulled off his nightcap, pulling his head out of the pillow to glare at Snegator's brat. They knew better then to disturb him when he was sleeping. The only reason he put up with Junior was because Snegator was one of his strongest warriors.

"I wanted to do something, but papa said I had to ask you first."

"What the fuck is it?" Whatever it is, say yes. Or he won't leave you alone.

"CanwecelebrateChristmasthisyear??" Junior squeaked, his voice was so high pitched and fast that Akuma hadn't understood a word he had said. It didn't matter though. He mumbled a definitive "Yes." through the pillow. He was already half asleep. There was that damn squeal again. Akuma felt Junior hugging his arm.

"OHTHANKYOUMASTER!"

"You're touching me." Akuma said calmly. Junior let go and he fell back asleep. z.z

**END FLASHBACK**

He should of just killed the brat instead. It would have saved him a lot of trouble. The tapping increased, no-one noticed though. Akuma noticed Junior running around in circles around the tree for a little.

Damnit.

The one thing Akuma hated more then Christmas was hyperactive kids. The day they had recruited SteCase, they had been near a school whose students had just come back from a sugar factory. For some reason, hyperactive children loved Akuma Shogun. Atlantis had to go to therapy after that. Cost a fucking bundle, and it hadn't even worked. Atlantis was always insane.

Ned stood up, tipping his Santa hat and hiccuping. Junior smiled unnervingly, "SANTA'S COMING SOON!"

"Santa isn't real." Akuma snarled. He didn't notice Ned coming up behind him.

"Is not." Akuma hissed.

"Is too!" Junior retorted.

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"IS NOT INFINITY!"

"IS TOO INFINITY... plus one."

Akuma swore loudly. Then he noticed that Ned had put the Santa hat over his head and screamed even louder. The knights quickly ran away to their quarters leaving the fuming God to rant and rave.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Akuma was hiding under his throne, paranoid eyes darting from side to side of the room. There was no such thing as Santa Claus and he was goung to PROVE it. They didn't even have a chimney for fucks sake! THEIR BASE WAS UNDERGROUND. He'd been drinking that funny stuff that Ned had been drinking earlier. Of course, no-one told Akuma that Eggnog and coffee were two different things. Idiot. And now he was just getting more and more paranoid, and slightly tipsy. His face-mask was a little lopsided. It was near midnight. Akuma's hands tightened around the metal pole he was carrying. He could fear footsteps coming down the steps. Akuma tensed. The bastard who playing this 'joke' on him was going to die. Painfully.

Akuma shrieked as the person passed his throne and stood up, knocking his throne over and he whacked the person over the head. Three times. For good luck? Or maybe because he's a sadist. Most probably the latter. Definetly the latter. The person slumped to the floor. Akuma kicked him over and paled, "But he's not supposed to be REAL!"

And then the full force of what he had done came crashing down onto him. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit." Akuma kept repeating to himself, eyes wide, looking down at the fat man on the floor. "I killed Santa Claus! I fucking killed Santa Claus!" he turned and looked around, eyes narrowing at the huge red bag stuffed full of presents on the floor. This was a very bad situation and Akuma had to look at it logically. Oh boy. The first thing he did was dispose of the body. I'm not sure how he exactly he disposed of a huge fat man. Let's figure that out later. XD

Akuma tore off the fat man's clothes and put them on. Then headed into his knights room. Akuma tiptoed to Atlantis' bed and poked the reptile Chojin in the ribs. Or... whatever he had under that skin. Akuma wasn't entirely sure. Atlantis opened one eye, "Master Akuma...? I thought you weren't into the whole Christmas thing?"

"I'm not!" Akuma hissed, "But I've got a problem and I need your help."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"...You killed Santa?" Atlantis asked, unbelievably.

"Yes."

"YOU KILLED SANTA?!?"

"Keep your voice down!" Akuma hissed. He threw the bag of presents into Atlantis' arms. "Now, you're going to help me deliver these presents."

Atlantis had never questioned his master, so he agreed. Although right now he wanted to know what kind of crack Akuma was on and where he could get some from.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

"Alright you fucking reindeer, listen up! Your master is dead. Yeah I know, it's not pretty, but what can I say? Now you better do as I say or you'll be joining him."

"Rudolph!" Atlantis patted the front most reindeer and hugged it, "I wuv you!"

"ATLANTIS! GET OFF THAT FUCKING REINDEER AND HELP ME! They won't listen to a word I say."

"That's because you have to call them by name."

"Oh...? And, pray may tell, what IS their names."

"Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph!"

Immediately all of them looked at Atlantis, recognising him as their new master.

".....Fucking hell." Akuma said after a short silence and handed the reigns to Atlantis. "Here. You better take them. I'll drop off the presents."

And so off they went, the most unlikliest Santa to ever grace the world. Luckily for Akuma, a list was inside the bag for where all the presents were supposed to go. Akuma was possibly the worst Santa to have ever graced the Earth. In between every word he said was either 'fuck' or 'shit'. The poor reindeer had never heard one person swear so much.

So they went all over the world delivering presents. Why? Who exactly knows. Akuma had hated Christmas after all. Maybe he had finally discovered the Christmas spirit? Or maybe he wasn't as evil as everyone assumed. Or maybe he was just drunk off eggnog. Couldn't tell.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Junior woke up and immediately ran down to the main room, screaming "PRESENTS!" all the way. The other knights trudged after him, grumbling.

They all froze they saw Akuma and Atlantis. Akuma was dressed up in a Santa costume. Atlantis had somehow dressed up in full elf garb, despite being too small for the clothes. And they were passed out on the floor. With Atlantis draped over Akuma. Someone took a snapshot and hid it away for blackmail. Junior edged around them and grabbed his present.

Buffaloman poked Akuma until he woke up with a snarl. "I hate you all."

"There's the Akuma we all know and love." Buffaloman laughed, "We were wondering if you'd gone soft on us." he poked the Santa hat.

Akuma pushed Atlantis off him with a grunt and turned to the presents. He opened his present. He expected coal. What he found was a smaller version of the Gold Mask. Of course it didn't have the powers the Gold Maks had, but it was still impressive. Underneath was a note. It basically thanked him for taking Santa's job (even though he had caused his death in the first place) and that a replacement Santa had already been found. At the bottom of the note was - "P.S. Please don't kill him next year."

"Don't worry I won't be playing Santa's role again." Akuma snorted, looking up at the ceiling.

"What did you say?" Mountain asked him with a mouthfull of candy-canes.

"I SAID SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!"

"Oh. Okay."

Later after the present unwrapping hype was all over, Ned was giggling slightly in his corner, drunk on eggnog again. He had donned the Santa clothes as his own. Akuma swore on the Gold Mask that he would never touch eggnog EVER AGAIN.

Akuma could hear laughing. He turned to where it was coming from and couldn't help but laugh himself, glad that he hadn't missed this. Sunshine and Ashuraman were standing right below the mistletoe. And they hadn't realised it yet. Ashuraman looked over at the laughing knights, then up. "No!" he moaned, "You've got to be kidding me!" Sunshine paled. They looked at each other. There was silence. Apart from Ned screaming, "KISS EACH OTHER!" at that, they both turned and ran in the opposite direction, screaming hysterically. Everyone else just laughed at their expense.

Finally the knights finally sat down for their Christmas meal. Surprisingly, Akuma had decided to join them. He cut the turkey and handed slices to everyone who tucked into their meals. Junior took a bite of his turkey, an incredulous look on his face. Then he looked up at Akuma, "This turkey tastes funny."

"JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT YOUR SANTA!"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

**THE END**


End file.
